Dear Muse

Dear Muse,
I keep harping on about not thinking about you anymore and feeling the things I felt before. Huh!! Maybe thats a lie, I am not thinking about you in the way I did. It different.
You have made me feel so much emotion, yet I have no clue as to why becasue you arn't around anymore, and never really were before. What you actually are and what I have made you out to be are two different things. The guy I know and the one she knew are yet again two different things, does this mean you are actually four different things.
First we have the Muse, who's the friend, the good advice the life and soul, everybodys friend, but never anybodys. The one I was friends with before we got into this train wreck of a situation.
Second we have the Muse who I have made you out to be in my head, the most amazing, outstanding, honest, grounded, focused, loved and loveable person with the most get up and go, with your eyes so open they are busting out, with your heart so strong its beating out, with your feet so grounded you dont do the walking out...this is have you are not, not really, you were. But not anymore.
Third we have the Muse she knew, the one who'd lie, to make himself out to be just fine, the one who is confused, his feet are so ungrounded he's as high as a kite, his eyes are so shut he keep walking round in circuls and bumping into things, hurting yourself and others around you without a care in the world. The one that e-mails a million different girls daily, sees different girls week in week out, borrow money from the great ones who fund you and your habits, the ones that try and open your eyes, fix your heart and mend your soul. The one that has no clue on his impact to someone life when they are blissfuly happy..."If I never saw the sunshine I wouldn't mind the rain".
Then we have the Muse which you actually are, confused, lost, longing for no one knows what, looking for things you cant remember what they looked like, or where you left them, in the case Muse you'll never find them. You have no clue how to love or be loved, you have no clue how to let in ot let out, no one can try and fix you, I hope you get to that point on your own, you will one day Muse, It wont hurt, you wont be scared. Just jump, let your hang-ups go, open your eyes, when you land keep your feet on the ground and learn to love and be loved, it wont hurt.

Sometimes, to be totally happy, you have to start with you, not others around you that need fixing too, not the ones just as messed up as you, they wont help, start with you and only you. Learn to love yourself, look in the mirror and be happy with the person looking back. Stop thinking "I'm a fucking mess and a fuck up", yes you are, but you dont have to be, when you get to the point of thinking you arn't those things then you wont be anymore. Learn to love youself, you for you, let it out, scream if you will feel better...Let it go.

You cant keep going with different girls just because you like different parts in all of them, thinking "if i could piece them all together, she'd be the perfect girl", Perfection isn't real, or is it that you know that, but you are using the idea of perfection as an escape, a way to put of falling everytime, when it all gets too much running away. You got to stop running sometime, there are only so many places to run to, and unless you figure out how to get to Mars, you my darling are going to run out of places to run to.

I think you are still an amazing person, and the one I use to love as a friend and a friend only is still in their someone, he's just a little lost right now. Please find yourself, figure out who you are and where you want to be and remember no matter where either of us are, who we are with or what we are doin theres a reason we walked into each others life...its a shame you run out so soon.

I long for the day I'll get that friend back, wheather that day with ever come who knows, and dont for one moment think i'll wait for it because I wont. Im going to keep on walkin my way, doing my best to keep my feet on the ground and my eyes open, I am proud of me and know you are too, I hope i'll see the day I am proud of you too. She's out there, just keep your feet on the groud and open your eyes. Once you have let go of the past and shut that last door, others will open and that soulmate your longing for will walk in. Open your eyes Muse x

Spec of dust

The fog is thick, driving along is actually scary, like driving blind, yet you can still see headlight's from the oncoming cars. Its cold and scary. Sitting in The Buxhall Crown with Ian, next to the fire it was warm and I was comfortable, knowing already this man sitting across from me in nothing more then a friend, it was fine.
"I use to write poems" I said, Ian replied "how old were you?", "it was about 18months ago" I said. "why dont you write anymore?" to the I replied...
"I dont feel things like I felt before"
Sitting in the crown, with the warm orange and red heat coming from the beautiful fire, it hit me. Actually hit me hard, like a bullet into the side of your body, hit me right through the middle through the heart and clean cut perfect out the other side, asif it wasnt even there to start with.
I dont feel the things I felt anymore, I dont write anymore because of this, he might have been my muse, yet didnt help a fractured heart, if anything made the facture harder to heal, wripping the wound apart at any given chance.
All the highs, the lows everything inbetween is gone, he's gone, I dont even think about him anymore. And its the most amazing feeling, I am so strong, proud of myself, I am so together, figuring out you cant do it all in a day, I am only 22, I have forever ahead...I am actually going to go on now and have babies, get married, have a family, be normal, because he is gone, I believe my head let him go along time ago but my heart has just found its freedom...I am free and feel good.
Fact of the matter is, I am one person in this whole world, in all the countrys, states, countys, religions, races and belifes...I am one little soul, there is a whole world out there, so much to find for myself and I am going to do it, starting with Ireland in March, then who knows, I have the world in my hands, my world, i'll do it my way, just like Frankie said. But that one person I would sit in my flat and write about day in, day out, he was my be all and end all, life was not worth living without him, he was my world, fact of the matter is...this is the world and he is just a spec of dust in it....nothing at all!

You leave me numb

I often feel numb and very lost. Dont get me wrong I care, I feel and believe it or not I can even cry, but over the years I've learnt a great deal of lifes lessons, I have been high, I have been low, I have lost and very much loved, I have wanted, needed and hurt, but the most important thing is I have learnt from everyone and everything.
I feel I have been through a lot, more then the average 22 year old, but I am still here, just a little numb. I dont miss people like I did before, the words "i miss you" are said a little too often if I am honest.
When someone walks out the door time and time again, can you continue missing them as much as you did the first time they done it? Or are they taking little pieces of you each time they leave without knowing, leaving you feeling, well, nothing, numb! When someone has really walked out of your life, someone you trusted, put your world, soul and everything into, when they are gone, as soon as you shut the door, that feeling, you get, when you think your hearts going to stop, your eyes fill, your tears roll, the hairs on the back of your neck stand, legs, feel heavy, when that moment hits you, thats when you know you miss them already, before their even gone. If someone will only ever do this to you, how long do you keep going. Each time they leave, you feel the love falling out of you effortless to stop it, control it or even care.
You cant go on like this forever, you know!

Two forwards, one back...

Why is it when you think you are getting somewhere and you are almost at the high point, dealing with it, getting on top and then you are back where you start? Its like your forever fighting to get to that place, the one where you have enough money, you love your job, all your family and friends are fit and well, you are blissfully happy with the love of your life etc etc...that's perfection, and perfection is an unreal way of thinking, living or even dreaming. I mean I wouldn't want to shatter any ones hopes, yes these things are doable, just not all at once...once in a lifetime maybe.

Bad things happen to good people, to make them better people, remind's us life is precious and every second count's. Good things happen to bad people to remind us of the fact life can be unfair at times, but you'll have your time when the worlds on your side. Your glass is half full right?

Over the last few days things started coming together and I started sorting myself, really getting there, this is not to say I am unstable, its more money then anything, but then someone or something comes along and reminds you its not your time for things to go right, lets face it, I don't have that much luck, or do I? My glass is still half full right. Think positive, positive energy will come...x