Dear Muse

Dear Muse,
I keep harping on about not thinking about you anymore and feeling the things I felt before. Huh!! Maybe thats a lie, I am not thinking about you in the way I did. It different.
You have made me feel so much emotion, yet I have no clue as to why becasue you arn't around anymore, and never really were before. What you actually are and what I have made you out to be are two different things. The guy I know and the one she knew are yet again two different things, does this mean you are actually four different things.
First we have the Muse, who's the friend, the good advice the life and soul, everybodys friend, but never anybodys. The one I was friends with before we got into this train wreck of a situation.
Second we have the Muse who I have made you out to be in my head, the most amazing, outstanding, honest, grounded, focused, loved and loveable person with the most get up and go, with your eyes so open they are busting out, with your heart so strong its beating out, with your feet so grounded you dont do the walking out...this is have you are not, not really, you were. But not anymore.
Third we have the Muse she knew, the one who'd lie, to make himself out to be just fine, the one who is confused, his feet are so ungrounded he's as high as a kite, his eyes are so shut he keep walking round in circuls and bumping into things, hurting yourself and others around you without a care in the world. The one that e-mails a million different girls daily, sees different girls week in week out, borrow money from the great ones who fund you and your habits, the ones that try and open your eyes, fix your heart and mend your soul. The one that has no clue on his impact to someone life when they are blissfuly happy..."If I never saw the sunshine I wouldn't mind the rain".
Then we have the Muse which you actually are, confused, lost, longing for no one knows what, looking for things you cant remember what they looked like, or where you left them, in the case Muse you'll never find them. You have no clue how to love or be loved, you have no clue how to let in ot let out, no one can try and fix you, I hope you get to that point on your own, you will one day Muse, It wont hurt, you wont be scared. Just jump, let your hang-ups go, open your eyes, when you land keep your feet on the ground and learn to love and be loved, it wont hurt.

Sometimes, to be totally happy, you have to start with you, not others around you that need fixing too, not the ones just as messed up as you, they wont help, start with you and only you. Learn to love yourself, look in the mirror and be happy with the person looking back. Stop thinking "I'm a fucking mess and a fuck up", yes you are, but you dont have to be, when you get to the point of thinking you arn't those things then you wont be anymore. Learn to love youself, you for you, let it out, scream if you will feel better...Let it go.

You cant keep going with different girls just because you like different parts in all of them, thinking "if i could piece them all together, she'd be the perfect girl", Perfection isn't real, or is it that you know that, but you are using the idea of perfection as an escape, a way to put of falling everytime, when it all gets too much running away. You got to stop running sometime, there are only so many places to run to, and unless you figure out how to get to Mars, you my darling are going to run out of places to run to.

I think you are still an amazing person, and the one I use to love as a friend and a friend only is still in their someone, he's just a little lost right now. Please find yourself, figure out who you are and where you want to be and remember no matter where either of us are, who we are with or what we are doin theres a reason we walked into each others life...its a shame you run out so soon.

I long for the day I'll get that friend back, wheather that day with ever come who knows, and dont for one moment think i'll wait for it because I wont. Im going to keep on walkin my way, doing my best to keep my feet on the ground and my eyes open, I am proud of me and know you are too, I hope i'll see the day I am proud of you too. She's out there, just keep your feet on the groud and open your eyes. Once you have let go of the past and shut that last door, others will open and that soulmate your longing for will walk in. Open your eyes Muse x

Spec of dust

The fog is thick, driving along is actually scary, like driving blind, yet you can still see headlight's from the oncoming cars. Its cold and scary. Sitting in The Buxhall Crown with Ian, next to the fire it was warm and I was comfortable, knowing already this man sitting across from me in nothing more then a friend, it was fine.
"I use to write poems" I said, Ian replied "how old were you?", "it was about 18months ago" I said. "why dont you write anymore?" to the I replied...
"I dont feel things like I felt before"
Sitting in the crown, with the warm orange and red heat coming from the beautiful fire, it hit me. Actually hit me hard, like a bullet into the side of your body, hit me right through the middle through the heart and clean cut perfect out the other side, asif it wasnt even there to start with.
I dont feel the things I felt anymore, I dont write anymore because of this, he might have been my muse, yet didnt help a fractured heart, if anything made the facture harder to heal, wripping the wound apart at any given chance.
All the highs, the lows everything inbetween is gone, he's gone, I dont even think about him anymore. And its the most amazing feeling, I am so strong, proud of myself, I am so together, figuring out you cant do it all in a day, I am only 22, I have forever ahead...I am actually going to go on now and have babies, get married, have a family, be normal, because he is gone, I believe my head let him go along time ago but my heart has just found its freedom...I am free and feel good.
Fact of the matter is, I am one person in this whole world, in all the countrys, states, countys, religions, races and belifes...I am one little soul, there is a whole world out there, so much to find for myself and I am going to do it, starting with Ireland in March, then who knows, I have the world in my hands, my world, i'll do it my way, just like Frankie said. But that one person I would sit in my flat and write about day in, day out, he was my be all and end all, life was not worth living without him, he was my world, fact of the matter is...this is the world and he is just a spec of dust in it....nothing at all!